UTVols News and Opinions

Well, not quite the Cinderella ending we were hoping for, right? However, after coming off a 5-6 season and giving the #7 team in the country all they wanted for 60 minutes, I will take it. Read more about what happened on this sad night in Big Orange Country, as well as the other great games during a thrilling college football weekend!

Thursday 10:13am

I get an email from Aunt Molly who writes: I have a great feeling about the game on Saturday. I was in tears this morning reading about Justin and Inky. I haven’t cried this much since I went to see Merle Haggard at the Civic Coliseum when he sang, “I think I’ll just sit here and have another drink.” I think there's a unity like never before. They're focused and disciplined and I think they're going to win. If not, they'll die trying. I’ll tell ya, it’s great to be a Tennessee Vol.

Somehow, with Aunt Molly, you had to know that was coming.

Saturday 9:00am

One hour until Gameday, and eleven hours before kickoff. My stomach is staring to get a little queasy, but I am OK for now. I felt better after I finished my pre-game rituals. The boxer shorts are on (Don’t tell Sweetie I didn’t wash them since you can’t wash the shorts if you win since it’s bad luck), I rubbed my orange and white rosary beads, and I got the UT flag on the pole. Things might work out today since Rik Chiddix was in front of his house, placing his black and gold Southern Mississippi flamingos in his yard. He raised his can of Strohs towards me and yelled, “Vols gonna whup some ass tonight?”

Everything was where it should be before the game.

12:14pm

Gameday just ended and it seems as if everyone is picking Florida to win. However, Aunt Molly calls me from her favorite watering hole, the Longbranch Saloon on Cumberland Blvd., to see if I saw the show. “Well, Beano Cook picked the Vols to win,” she tells me proudly. “He must have a crystal ball stuck somewhere between his three chins.”

2:37pm

We are going to have dinner with Coach B and his wife tonight, then watch the game after dinner. Coach called me to confirm the menu (which will be rib eyes and baked potatoes) as well as to tell me his son’s pee wee football game did not go well. “Yeah, we lost 22-0. Think I should pull a Fulmer and fire my offensive coordinator?”

6:46pm

My hands are shaking so badly Sweetie has to drive us up to Coach B’s. She asks, “Why do you get this way for Florida? I can see Georgia or Alabama, but Florida?” I tried to explain Spurrier, Wuerffel, the no catch in 2000, and 62-37 in 1995, plus the fact being a Tennessee fan means you get nervous before all games, especially SEC Games. She responds by shaking her head and asks, “Did you come with a 90 day money back guarantee?” She reminds me of Peyton Manning as a freshman; I can tell she’s going to be the best SEC wife in the history of the conference; she just needs a few games with Coach Scooter to get used to all of this.

7:50pm

We just finished dinner, although Coach B and I didn’t each much since we were both nervous. Our wives look at each other and quip, “If it were football season all year round, our husbands would be in much better shape.”

8:05pm

Coach B and I groaned when Ainge threw an interception on the first play. However, the receiver was open and if he had gotten it to him sooner, it would have gone for six, so we didn’t start throwing things at the TV just yet. Sweetie has taken note of the fact I am pacing, which I am sure will be laughed about at Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

8:37pm

I get a little worried since all I see are the white jerseys keeping the orange jerseys out of the Florida backfield. Sure enough, Florida scores first and Coach B starts stomping around his man room spewing obscenities. He kind of sounds like Gabby Johnson from Blazing Saddles.

End of 1st Quarter: Florida 7 – Tennessee 3

9:05pm

Things are looking up as Cutcliffe’s great call for the option pass works to perfection for our first TD of the night. That was something Randy Sanders would have never thought of. However, Coach B and I are really getting tired of listening to Gary Danielson. Verne Lunquist is all right in our book, but that Purdue reject claimed off waivers from ABC is getting on all our nerves. I think Danielson has something on the guy that makes the talent decisions at CBS since he couldn’t announce the winner of a one horse race.

9:15pm

Genius Danielson is at it again. He must have been in the little announcer’s room when we scored out TD since all I heard was Verne talking. Despite rushing for negative yardage in the first half, we lead 10-7. I like our chances, despite the fact we got jobbed on the roughing the passer call. Mapu had his arm up and was being blocked into Leak, who took a dive like is always does. Did he ever consider trying out for the Florida Diving Team? He’d be an All-America for sure. Coach B thinks it was a makeup call for the block in the back on the Florida punt return. Of course Dunghead Danielson completely agreed with the call, probably since he got a few of those when he played for the Lions and is still recovering from head trauma. “I hate Todd Blackledge,” Coach B shouts at the TV after one of Danielson’s boob comments. When I tell him it’s Gary Danielson, he looks at the TV with a confused stare for a few seconds, then looks back at me and says, “I know! I just thought I would say I hate Todd Blackledge. I also hate Gary Danielson. Leave me alone, I’m a vege right now…”

Halftime: Tennessee 10 – Florida 7

9:30pm

Aunt Molly calls and we discuss the first half, and in particular, the Mapu penalty. “That ref is so confused, he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.” We agree the Vols played well in the first half, but we have to find a running game if we are going to win. “Our running game is as bad off as a woodpecker with a rubber beak in a petrified forest,” she says, then I hear, “Molly, it’s your shot.” When I asked what was going on, Aunt Molly replies, “Me and Klondike Earl are shooting eight ball during halftime.” Klondike Earl? Come to find out Klondike Earl used to be a wrestler in the Southeastern Championship Wrestling organization, and used to get Aunt Molly free tickets to wrestling matches at the Civic Coliseum years ago. Of course that small gesture put him right up there with General Neyland, Coach Fulmer, and John Ward as far as she is concerned. “I’ll call you after the game if we win,” she says, then I hear the sound of pool balls crashing into each other and Aunt Molly calling someone a bad name as she hangs up the phone.

10:04pm

Thank God the game resumed. The halftime seemed to drag on longer than the Orange Bowl halftime. Coach B was certain they had an hour long version of Lee Greenwood singing “I’m glad to be an American.” Things are looking good for the Vols as we punch it in to take a 17-7 lead. However, our running game is so bad, it took us three plays to move the ball one yard for the TD, and that scares me. I’ve seen a wounded turtle move forward faster than we just did.

10:21pm

Danielson has been quiet since the Vols are leading. However, when the Gators score a TD to close the gap to 17-14, Rain Man finally pipes up. “Yeah, Leak is defiantly in a zone. Yeah. In a zone. Dallas Baker has been open all night. Yeah, all night on the crossing pattern. Definitely on the crossing pattern.” I am sure if they don’t turn his mic off, eventually we will hear, “Ut oh, I farted…” With all his comments about Florida, Coach B and I are convinced he is dating Urban Meyer.

End of 3rd Quarter: Tennessee 17- Florida 14

10:35pm

Memo to Coach Chavis: When Tim Tebow comes into the game, HE IS GOING TO RUN THE BALL! Even Ronnie Milsap can see what’s coming next. The frustrating thing is when they need two yards, he gets three. If they need ten yards, he gets eleven. At this point I considered calling Aunt Molly to see if we could suit up Klondike Earl so he could fall on Tebow and put him out of our misery. Where are Leonard Little and Al Wilson when you need them? This wouldn’t have happened on their watch. However, all is not lost since James Wilhoit, who must have been standing in Kingsport, kicked one through the uprights to give us a precarious 20-14 lead. Coach B quipped, “That kick came from so far away, you could time its arrival using a sundial." Later, I get a call from the Orange Bowl Halftime Show Director confirmed the kick took longer to go through the uprights than the Orange Bowl halftime show…

10:45pm

They nudged Danielson and woke him up in time for the Florida touchdown. He gushed, “That was a scheme thing. That’s the result of the coaches sitting in a room all week and scheming plays that will work against the other team.” Hmm, why doesn’t someone call Coach Fulmer and tell him of this new thing the coaches around the SEC are doing? I guess he told Cutcliffe to walk down to the huddle in the 3rd quarter and draw up a play in the Neyland Stadium grass for our touchdown. Another brilliant observation…

10:58pm

Coach B is now in lockdown mode since the Gators are driving and our defense looks tired. He won’t talk, he pulls the bill of his UT cap over his forehead and he looks through the tiny openings between the cap and his hands. Of course, I am no better since Sweetie finally got me to sit down, and my hands were shaking so badly I spilled my Jack on her leg, which Coach B’s dog licked up in a hurry. Like father like dog I always say. She reached over and felt my heart beating and gasped, “You are going to have a heart attack!” I replied, “Welcome to life in the SEC.”

Final Score: Florida 21 – Tennessee 20

Damn, I really would have loved to hear Aunt Molly in one of her vodka induced victory speeches. Sweetie and I packed up and prepared to leave. We say good bye to Coach B, who stares at the TV screen and says nothing. As Sweetie and I walk up the stairs, I remember his wife turned the TV off a few seconds earlier, so he was staring at a blank screen. God love that kid…

12:04am

Sweetie went to bed a little while ago, but I couldn’t sleep so I went to the couch to watch Telemundo. After the Vols lose, I have a hard time sleeping and since I can’t watch ESPN, I watch Telemundo to take my mind off the game. However, watching semi-naked Latin girls speaking Spanish is not going to cheer me up on this night. I will say they gave it a good try though. Suddenly, I hear music coming from next door, so I get up from the couch to see what was going on. It was Rik Chiddix having a sound check with his band, Hayseed Avenue. I walked over to his backyard and during a break in the set we sat on his deck. As we sipped beer, (Hey, this Strohs is not that bad), we talked about the game which made me feel a little better. With the sounds of Johnny Russell in the background singing, Red Necks, White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer, Chiddix said, “Yeah, I felt the same way when I lost my tickets to the Foghat concert years ago. That hurt like hell. But damn, son, it’s only September, and there are a lot of games left to be played.” Somehow, my depression lifted, but I was baffled at what Chiddix said. It wasn't because he nailed the moment so perfectly, which he did, but because it had to be the only thing in his life he ever said that made sense.

Vols Recap

You didn’t really think that having Cutcliffe, Chavis and Fulmer all in the same locker room meant UT was going to win every game, did you? However, I think the Vols are back and I'll tell you why. Tennessee lost by one point to the #7 team in the nation, and with a few breaks, they would have won the game. Remember, the Vols rushed for -11 yards and STILL had a shot to win the game at the end. I don’t think the Vols will go 5-6 again, especially since you can see improvement all over the place, especially on offense, and the defense is mean and fast. Although the running game was pretty bad on Saturday night, there is still plenty of time to make the necessary corrections as the meat of the conference schedule comes. The Vols still play Georgia, Alabama and LSU, and if they can pull off an upset or two, they could be in the hunt when November rolls around. You think the Gators are going to run the table? They get Alabama, LSU, Auburn and Georgia all in a row, and I am going on record by betting my autographed Phil Fulmer Chili Dog Eating Camp T-Shirt they will not go unbeaten through that stretch. Don’t jump ship just yet, Vol fans, as Rik Chiddix said, there is still a lot of football to be played!

Around the Nation

Auburn 7 – L.S.U. 3

I expected to see Mel Gibson walk on to the field since this game looked as if it were held in a Thunderdome. Two teams enter, one team leaves, and until the final second, we did not know who that team would be. I have heard from more than one person that was the most violent hitting game they have ever seen. Also in agreement was the fact that while Auburn might have got the win, L.S.U. got the win for having the hottest fans. I love it when the L.S.U. girls wear the tiger ears on their heads. Rarrrrrrrrrr!

Michigan 47 – Notre Dame 21

I got an angry email from Lloyd Carr on Sunday morning about the Truck Master comment from last week, so I have to say Coach Scooter was wrong about the Wolverines chances against the Irish. Even Sweetie was happy ND lost since she still has the red ass about the ND-Tech game. Every time she hears about the Fighting Irish on TV, she throws whatever she has in her hands at the tube and says, “Notre Dame my ass!”

Oregon 34 - Oklahoma 33

This game reminded me of the time Camp North Star and Camp Mohawk fought it out on the basketball court and the refs looked away as the Mohawks cheated their way up and down the court. Can you believe how badly the Sooners got jobbed on the field and also in the reply booth? I was surprised Bob Stoops didn’t gather his team around and give them instructions to pull down Oregon’s pants during their last second field goal try. Then again, as ugly as the Ducks pants are, I think the players refused to touch them.

U.S.C. 28 – Nebraska 10

Whenever U.S.C. plays, I am reminded of the Richard Pryor line about George Forman. “George just looks across the ring and says, ‘Which one the referee, ‘cause I’m going to kill the other dude.’” I think the S.C. players line up before the game and say the same thing since they seem to blow out almost every team they play. The Trojans have not lost a regular season game in regulation time since October 2002 when they lost to Washington State 30-27. They lost to California in OT in 2003 and everyone remembers the epic Rose Bowl game last January, but that’s it.

This Week’s Trivia Question

When did the Vols first unveil the famous checkerboard end zones?

A) 1990
B) 1971
C) 1968
D) 1964

Last week’s trivia question:

In the 2003 Florida game, Casey Clausen threw a Hail Mary pass at the end of the first half for a touchdown that gave the Vols a 7-3 lead. The Vols ended up winning the game 24-10 to give them back-to-back victories in Gainesville. Name the WR who caught the pass for the touchdown:

A) Jason Whitten
B) James Banks
C) Tony Brown
D) C.J. Fayton

The correct answer is: B) James Banks. The winner of last week’s trivia question is Becky Taylor of Lenoir City. Congratulations, Becky, you have won a lifetime supply of Cas Walker’s Thumpin’ Good watermelons!

Mailbag

Dude,
Jason WITTEN is my cousin. Very few Wittens in the US without the H.

Sincerely,
William Witten Singleton formerly of Bristol, now in Sandbox, Ickystan

Thanks, William, for the correction. I have good news and bad news. The good news is we shot our Trivia Master for making this error. The bad news is Jason Witten was not the correct answer to the trivia question. We hope you enter the trivia contest again next week, and we don’t have to shoot anyone else.

I got several emails about Vol fans and their superstitions. Here are a few:

Coach Scooter:
In response to your question about superstitions, I have a unique superstition I follow before every game. I will wear one earring all game. I did this during the UT-Arkansas game in 1998, and have ever since.

Cindy Tollison
Nashville, Tennessee

Coach Scooter:
I will put on my George Jones CD’s before a game. However, I will not smack my wife if we lose or she hides the keys to the liquor cabinet.

Hugh Bailey
New Market, Tennessee

Coach Scooter:
Before the Vols play, I will take my autographed Phil Fulmer hat and place it on top of my framed picture of General Neyland, repeat the game maxims, then I am ready for the game.

Tom Marsh - Knoxville

Coach Scooter:
I try to have sex before each game. That might not bring the Vols any luck, but it sure does wonders for my morale.

Name withheld by request

Coming on Friday, Coach Scooter previews the Vols game against Marshall, plus all the action across the country! Email your questions and comments to:
volsdiary@yahoo.com I look forward to hearing from you!

Until Friday, this is Coach Scooter reminding you to rub those rosary beads, don’t take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain, and make sure to recite your game maxims!