UTVols News and Opinions

Welcome to Coach Scooter’s diary for week 2 of the 2006 college football season. Let’s recap the week that was starting on Saturday morning:

8:31 a.m.

It’s game day in the Big Orange Nation! I put away our great victory over California on Tuesday morning, and started worrying about Air Force on Tuesday afternoon. Needless to say, the rumblings in my gut are not from the eight Krispy Kreme doughnuts I ate for breakfast (I get a little nervous before the game and tend to over eat), but worrying about the Falcons and their triple option offense.
To be sure I have the right karma going, I am wearing the same orange and white boxer shorts from last week, rubbed my orange and white rosary beads the same way as I did before the California game, and put out my 1998 Tennessee Vols National Championship flag on the deck at the same time as last week. However, this week my neighbor, the pride of Southern Mississippi, Rik Chiddix, sees me on the deck, waves and shouts, “Golden Eagles gonna whoop some ass today!” then goes back to tossing ice over his cooler filled with his favorite beer, Strohs. Scary thing is he has his shirt off, and all I see is his man sweater accompanied by his man boobs.
Ever had one of those ominous feelings your day was going to turn into complete crap? I just had one…

9:52 a.m.

Eight minutes until ESPN College Gameday! The only time I count down the time with this much excitement is when I am waiting for my order at Dreamland BBQ. Anyway, before I could get my college football fix, I get a call from Aunt Molly. She calls before every game to see how I am, as well as to give me her take on how the Vols will do. However, this morning when I heard her voice, I realized I forgot to tell her I was not going to hook up with Coach B to watch the Vols game tonight since I have a wedding to go to. Big mistake, Coach Scoot…
“You are doing what?!” she asked as the anger in her voice rose.
You have to understand, Aunt Molly loves the Vols more than anything else in the world. A few years ago, I asked her, “If you were on an airplane with your father and Coach Fulmer, and there were only two parachutes, who would you give the second one to?”
She replied, “That’s the stupidest question I have eve heard. My Daddy couldn’t coach the Vols to a victory over a middle school team!”
I assured her I have a Plan B for tonight, but she suddenly went into a 30 minute profanity laced tirade about how weddings should be outlawed in the south, and how she once attempted to get a bill passed in the state legislations in all southern states to ban all weddings from September 1st until the day after the national championship game. “I would have gotten it passed too, if it wasn’t for those pinheads in Kentucky who persuaded the other states to vote no…” She didn’t use the word pinhead, but I think you can figure out what word she substituted it with.
I smoothed out the situation by telling her Coach B will be sending me text messages so I can keep up with the game. She still is upset, but at least she has stopped swearing.

7:01 p.m.

The wedding starts on schedule and so does the first text message from Coach B. “Game just started. Keep you posted. P.S., you suck.”
As I watch the bridesmaids walk up the aisle, the last thing I am thinking about is the wedding, and first thing is the game. Since I would rather be at Neyland Stadium, I do the next best thing and think about all the great games I have been at or watched since I first went to see the Vols play in 1978. Besides, since all I have to do is sit and watch, plus I have no speaking parts in this production, I figure I am safe for the time being.
While the bridesmaids were walking down the aisle, I started thinking about the 1998 Arkansas game, where we came in #1, and Arkansas was undefeated. Coach B and I met at the Tennessee TV watching bar, and saw our boys get behind 21-3, then fight back to close the gap to 24-22. We started crying in our whiskey when Tee Martin’s pass was tipped away from Peerless Price on 4th down late in the game, and thought our season was over. However, Clint Stoerner fumbled two plays later, and when he did, I jumped out of my chair, and almost hit my head on the sprinkler system above us. I tend to get a little nervous watching the Vols, especially when it’s getting serious, so I walked around the bar, didn’t find a comfort zone, and ended up walking outside and watched the game through the window. I froze my butt off since my jacket was still inside, but Travis Henry was running the ball up the field, and I was convinced if I moved from that spot, we would lose. Funny thing is there were two other people outside doing the same thing! Finally, Henry dove over from the one, and when he did, I hugged the first person I saw, which was a huge woman that reminded me of Florida Evans from that 70’s show, Good Times, but she was wearing orange, so I kissed her on the cheek and walked back into the bar. Coach B was hiding under a table, armed only with a shot glass full of whisky, and would not come out until the final gun. Was that a game, or what? What did you do during the 1998 Arkansas game? Send me an email so I can post your responses!

7:44 p.m.

I haven’t heard from Coach B yet, and that worries me. Usually he calls when we score, but I have not had a message. I’ll give him another five minutes, then call. I have a bad feeling in my stomach.

7:49 p.m.

We start driving over to the reception, and luckily I am in the back seat so I can call Coach B. I punch in the numbers, place the phone to my ear, then suddenly hear, “WE SUCK!”
Oh goodie, I have a feeling I know where this is going.
“7-3, Air Force, and we haven’t stopped them yet,” Coach B says, then I hear the sound of ice cubes crashing into a glass. “I knew we were looking ahead to Florida.”
I am trying to calm him when my phone beeps. I look at the caller I.D. and it reads, “Aunt Molly.” It should of read, “Opening a can of whoop ass,” since that’s what I was about to hear.
“Coach, it’s Aunt Molly, hold for a second.”
I click over and before I could say “I know we are losing,” I hear, “Get him! Get that %&(*@#.” Oh yeah, Aunt Molly is in fine voice tonight. She takes a breath and then spits out, “We give them the ball and they hold on to it for a week. Our defense has been out there for so long they think it’s a career.” And of course my favorite of the night so far, “That damn Air Force! They are like a booger ya can’t thump off!”
After getting her straight, I click over to Coach B, who is still talking about our terrible first half performance. As I listen to him, I realize he never knew I clicked over to talk to Aunt Molly.

8:25 p.m.

It’s been almost 30 minutes since the last update, and that’s not good. Sweetie cut me a little slack since her team won today, plus she got a hookup with one of the bartenders to supply her with a Cosmo every 15 minutes until she passes out, then they bring her one every ten minutes. She is happy for now, and chances are if she is happy, Coach Scooter will be happy too. However, two large problems loom. One, there is no Jack Daniels at the reception, and two, we are behind. I tell Sweetie I am going to the bathroom, then make my break to the side door as quickly as possible so I can get the update. On my way out, I see two people sitting by the door that look just like the Havacamps from Caddyshack, which is par for the course at every wedding. As I pass, I swore I heard, “This wedding is a peach, hon!”
I exit out to the patio and call Coach B. “How are we doing?”
His tone sounds a little better as he announces, “Halftime, 17-10 Tennessee.”
I feel better about the game, until he admitted he ate dinner already, not at halftime like last week. Another bad omen…

9:02 p.m.

Sweetie is on the dance floor with her shoes off, looking rather fetching as she sways to the music. Normally, I would have enjoyed seeing her doing this, but I am worried about the Vols. It’s kind of like having that one whisky too many, or a comment to a woman asking if she’s pregnant when she isn’t. There is a brief lull, then your ass gets a first class ticket into someone’s back pocket. By the way, Sweetie can’t seem to find her shoes.

9:30 p.m.

We finally found Sweetie’s shoes. They were in the tip jar at Julio’s bar station located in the west wing of the reception hall.

9:35 p.m.

I bribed a clerk at the front desk to tell me where I could find a television, since I wanted to see the Georgia-South Carolina game, but more importantly, I needed up to the minute updates. Earlier, Coach B had sent me the updates when we scored, and the last one told me we were up 31-17, so I was hoping we could hold the lead since, as you know, the Vols have a way of making it interesting.
I placed a bottle of Night Train Wine on the desk (Don’t ask me where I got it), and the clerk pointed me to a staircase leading down to a bar that had a television. At last I was able to see what was going on. Well, at least the highlights anyway.

9:55 p.m.

Sweetie busted me, so I told her I was down here since the bartender makes the best Cosmos and I was just heading up to give her one. She didn’t buy it, but it was worth a shot anyway. We sat down at a table close to the TV, along with a bunch of others who had sneaked away to watch the UGA-USC game, and I was feeling good since we had a two touchdown lead. However, I noticed Air Force had closed to 31-24, and when that happened, I got that bad feeling in my gut, similar to seeing Rik Chiddix in his man sweater and sagging man boobs. I got up and walked across the hall so I had room to pace the floor, as well as get Coach B on the phone.

10:01 p.m.

“We are about to lose this game,” he said to me as I continued pacing and feeling sick to my stomach. “They just completed a pass to the one yard line and are….Well, there’s the touchdown.”
“How much time is left?”
“Less than two minutes. Oh no.”
“WHAT???”
“They are going for two.”
“I hope we stuff those $%&*@!” I said, then realized Mrs. Havacamp from earlier walked into the room. She gave me a dirty look, then walked up the stairs. I was hoping she wasn’t going to get security.
“Here’s the play, Scoot,” he said. After a moment of silence, in which I felt as if the electrocution cone was slid over my head, and they were getting ready to flip the switch, he suddenly yelled out, “WE STOPPED THEM!!!”
Of course you all know the rest.

This week’s opponent

The Vols renew their bitter rivalry with the Florida Gators on Saturday night at Neyland Stadium. The game is at 8:00pm on CBS.
This one is going to be HUGE! The winner clears a major hurdle in the SEC East race and, just like Georgia last week, will put themselves in a great position to challenge for the division championship.
The Vols offense will have a major question mark at tailback if Arian Foster cannot go on Saturday. As of print time, he was listed as 50/50. I like Montario Hardesty too, but would rather throw both backs at the Gators. Erik Ainge was 24 of 29 passes for 333 yards and three TDs, and had a string of 15 straight completions. He threw for five touchdowns last year, and he already has seven after two games. We need him to have a great game on Saturday. The offensive line allowed no sacks for the second straight week and it has been a major reason why the Vols have averaged 463 yards a game this year.
The defense is another matter. After giving up 30 points, the Vols got more bad news when starters Inky Johnson and Justin Harrell were lost for the season. Not good before the Gators come to town. Backups with playing experience on the line are Dan Williams, J.T. Mapu and Demonte’ Bolden. The secondary was a strength coming into the season, so now is the time for the talented reserves to show what they can do. Sophomore Demetrice Morley is likely to see more playing time as a result of Johnson’s injury.


Last week’s games

The college football world was saddened by the loss of one of its truly great men as Erk Russell died of a stroke. Russell was the patriarch for the Junkyard Dogs defense at Georgia, and was on the sidelines when the Dawgs won the National Championship in 1980. After leaving Athens, he built Georgia Southern's first football team since 1941 and won Division I-AA championships in 1985, '86 and '89. He played football, basketball, baseball and tennis at Auburn, earning 10 varsity letters. Russell was the last four-sport letterman in Auburn history. He will be truly missed.

Does Akron Head Coach J.D. Brookhart have a giant pair of stones or what? With first and goal at the N.C. State 1 yard line and :03 left, he chose not to go for the tie and instead went for the win. The Zips scored and had their giant upset over N.C. State, 20-17. Fisher DeBerry almost made it by going for two against Tennessee. It was the smart call since their offense had pushed the Vols around all night. My hats off to both coaches who play to win.

Player to watch: Branden Ore, running back, Virginia Tech. This kid had 111 yards rushing and three touchdowns in a dominate performance over UNC, 35-10. Keep an eye on this one, he could be a stud you’ll be hearing about for a long time.

Did Fielding Yost come back to coach Louisville? For those who don’t know, Fielding Yost was the head coach at Michigan when they were dubbed the “Point a Minute Team,” since they scored so often. So far in two games, Louisville has racked up 59 and 62 points in their two games so far this season for an average of 60.5. Last time I checked, the regulation game is 60 minutes, so they are on pace to take away Yost’s old nickname. With Miami on the schedule next, I have a funny feeling the Cardinals will not come close to their average.

A few observations from the Auburn-Mississippi State game. Why is Mississippi State wearing white jerseys at home? Who do they think they are, the Dallas Cowboys? At this point, they don’t even play like the Wyoming Cowboys, so I would suggest trying something else. Besides L.S.U. has the market cornered on wearing white at home in the S.E.C. And what is up with Dave Rowe, who announces for the Lincoln Financial S.E.C. Game of the Week? That guy is a bozo deluxe. When they announced the N.C. State score, Rowe began laughing like Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. It kind of scared me. Then when Auburn kicked a field goal at the end of the first half, Einstein commented, “Auburn needs to kick the ball where Mississippi State will not get a great return.” Isn’t that the objective on all kickoffs? Just wondering.

This weekend’s games

Let’s take a look at what we get to watch this Saturday. The rating system is based on 1-5 Holly Rowes.

Miami (FL) @ Louisville 3:30 p.m. ABC/GP – Louisville should roll with Wes Unseld, Darrell Griffith and Pervis Ellison knocking down the points. What? Football? Oh, sorry, I forgot Louisville plays football too…

3 Holly’s

LSU @ Auburn 3:30 p.m. CBS – Winner takes a big step towards the SEC Western Division title. Auburn kicker John Vaughn missed five field goals last year in an OT loss to the Tigers. Where is Win Lyle when you need him?

4 Holly’s

Michigan @ Notre Dame 3:30 p.m. NBC – Notre Dame looks great and I have a feeling Lloyd Carr might be looking for the number to that truck driving school after this one. Truck Masters, I think it was…

3 ½ Holly’s

Oklahoma @ Oregon 3:30 p.m. ABC/GP – Oregon’s only hope is that their devastatingly ugly jerseys scare off the Sooners.

3 Holly’s

Clemson @ Florida State 7:45 p.m. ESPN – You think Tommy Bowden had a 70’s flashback and checked to see if guys like Garo Yepriemian, Jan Stenerud, Effran Herra and Toni Frisch had any college eligibility left? Well, maybe not Toni Frisch since he passed away a few years ago. Then again, he would be better than the kicker the Tigers have now…

3 Holly’s

Nebraska @ Southern California 8:00 p.m. ABC – I think Bill Callahan ought to bring his brother Harry down to L.A. since “Dirty Harry” would be the only person I could think of that would have any chance to stop U.S.C.

2 ½ Holly’s

Florida @ Tennessee 8:00 p.m. CBS – This just in, Peyton Manning has decided to come back to Knoxville for one more crack at the Gators, citing the seldom used Madre Hill eligibility plan. “Since Madre Hill played for eight years at Arkansas, I know I have to have some hardship eligibility left. Losing to Florida for four years in a row was a real hardship, that’s for sure…”

5 Holly’s

Arkansas @ Vanderbilt 12:30 p.m. LFS/GP – If the games were shortened to 30 minutes, the ‘Doores would be national champions for about eight season in a row.

2 Holly’s

Michigan State @ Pittsburgh 3:30 p.m. ABC/GP – Michigan State will win this game and the next five, be ranked #1 in the country, then not win another game until 2014.

1 ½ Holly’s

Texas Tech @ TCU 5:30 p.m. OLN – Any team that has their games on O.L.N. has to really S.U.C.K.

½ Holly

Texas @ Rice 6:00 p.m. ESPN2 – You know, a billion Chinese don’t care about this game, which, as a matter of fact, is about the same number of points Texas is going to score.

-1 Holly

Navy @ Stanford 10:00 p.m. FSN Regional – Anchors Away! This game is going to be a perfect come down for those who finish watching the Florida – Tennessee game. This is one of the few reasons to love west coast football since it gives you something to watch while you are winding down.

2 Holly’s

Iowa State @ Iowa Noon ESPN – I would rather watch the Lifetime Network’s presentation of “My husband was Kenny G.”

-2 Holly's

Furman @ North Carolina 7:00 p.m. ESPNU – I wonder if the UNC punter will take a quarter and a half to get off his punts like he did last week against Virginia Tech?

0 Holly’s

Nicholls State @ LA Tech 7:00 p.m. GP – They make insomnia patients in all Louisiana hospitals watch this game so they will be cured.

-1 Holly’s

Wofford @ South Carolina 7:00 p.m. GP – To quote Coach B, “Doesn’t Wofford sound like the noise a dog makes when it sneezes?”

½ Holly

Trivia Question

This week’s trivia question:

In the 2003 Florida game, Casey Clausen threw a Hail Mary pass at the end of the first half for a touchdown that gave the Vols a 7-3 lead. The Vols ended up winning the game 24-10 to give them back-to-back victories in Gainesville. Name the WR who caught the pass for the touchdown:

A) Jason Whitten
B) James Banks
C) Tony Brown
D) C.J. Fayton


Last week’s trivia question:

In the 1971 Sugar Bowl against Air Force, Tennessee scored 24 first quarter points in route to a 34-13 victory over the Falcons. Who was the MVP of that game?A) Tim PriestB) Steve KinerC) Bobby ScottD) Steve DeLong

The answer was Bobby Scott.

The first email with the correct answer was from Jeffrey Bennett of Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Congratulations, Jeffrey, you have just won a Chrysler Cordoba, equipped with a fine Corinthian leather interior, and you can pick it up at Rik Chiddix’ house this weekend.

Mailbag

Extremely entertaining read, Coach Scooter. However, I believe your dream was more like a nightmare.....how did Beano get the helmet strapped under his chins? Seriously, informative and funny column.

The Blue Tick Kitty
Knoxville

Good question, Kitty. Since you have stumped me, I am going to send you a Fathead of Beano Cook so you can figure that one out as you look at him on the wall. By the way, Beano’s Fathead is actual size.

No mention of Holly Rowe's hat while she was roaming the Miami sideline and cozying up to Edge James at the FSU-Miami game? A girl with a hat is just so........vogue. By the way, whatever happened to Jill Arrington?

BulldogBry
Roanoke, VA

You’re right, Bry, Coach Scooter missed that one. Holly Rowe is a rather saucy little minx and deserves a full mention every week in my column. By the way, I did some checking with my mole at ESPN, and was told Holly beat Jill in a loser leave ESPN match when she gave her a DDT, followed by a small package for the win. I hope this explains why we don’t see Jill Arrington on the sidelines anymore.


Where is Hal Mumme these days?

Don Sandefur
Lexington, Kentucky

My first response to that question is: who cares? However, my second response is: Mumme is at New Mexico State and has installed his patented air-raid offense to the Aggies. It was so good last year, Mumme’s team went 0-12, which earned him the Lee Corso Coach of the Year Award.

It wasn’t a small package, she held my tights illegally for the pinfall. Don’t worry, I’ll be back and I will show that little tramp who rules the sidelines at ESPN!

Jill Arrington
Hottieville, GA

Now who can argue with that? I know I won’t…

Ybayabayabyabyaayb CATFIGHT!

Cosmo Kramer
Manhattan, N.Y.

Somehow, I knew that was coming.

Send your questions and comments to: volsdiary@yahoo.com
See you next week for Week 3 of Coach Scooter’s College Football Diary!